“Dylan Dog Dead……” And that’s it

Ok, what with all the sci-fi/fantasy movies coming out lately, I’ve been doing a lot of reviews. I don’t want this to turn into strictly a movie review blog, but it’s nice to throw them in on occasion. And as this summer looks to be a pretty big nerd/dork/geek fest for movies (Captain America, Thor, Priest, X-Men First Class, etc etc) I’m going to see if I can slide movie reviews over to Mondays so that Wednesday can be my usual musings on whatever nerdy thing comes to mind. Like mustaches. :{)

That being said, I’ll kick off my Monday Movie Madness with a review of colossal turd “Dylan Dog: Dead of Night“. [SPOILERS AHEAD]

dylan - thumbs downThis movie had a ton of issues with it. First off, you guys know me. I love a good bit of fantasy. I’m an avid closet Twilight fan which means that whenever there’s a vampire or a werewolf in something, I’m totally willing to give it a shot. But the vampires, werewolves, and zombies kind of looked like they were made by a high school student creating special effects. I will say that the giant Zombie with the mandibles that looked like the cracked out vampires from Blade 2 actually looked really good. But everything else was kind of cut-rate. Which is totally fine for a movie that looked like it had a very, very cheap budget. The whole thing was filmed in Louisiana, which gives huuuuge tax breaks for filming there. If you watched the trailer, you’ll hear him say, “No plan, just bigger guns.” That ‘bigger guns’ moment lasted about 15 seconds and consisted of Dylan (Brandon Routh) walking at the camera shooting different guns. As he walks out of the cameras periphery, you see bodies of all the vampires he’s killed with some kind of flares in their chest or something. Come on guys, you had to go THAT cheap on the special effects that we can’t even see people getting holes blown in their chests, a la Desperado?

That being said, I can look over bad make-up/special effects when the script is at least fun. I’ve never read any of the Dylan Dog books but the script for this one was just flat out weak. It was the trailer that gave me any measure of hope that it would be good, but it did the classic move of just grabbing any chunk of the movie that worked. And maybe it’s what we’ll call “The Whedon Effect” or perhaps “The Raimi Conundrum,” but when I see a trailer like the one for Dylan Dog I expect to see either more wit/sarcasm (Whedon) or tongue so firmly pressed into cheek you see blood (Raimi). This had neither. There were so many clinched lines that just didn’t work. It all started with Dylan having a gun pointed in his face and then having a discussion with the guy who was pointing the gun about the proper way to threaten people with a gun. Blah. It’s like they were pissing on the future graves of Whedon and Raimi. How dare you sir, how dare you. *slaps with white glove*

"Hi, I'm a zombie. No really. A zombie." - Sam Huntington (only redeeming thing in this movie)

But lets not lay all of the blame on the script. There were definitely moments that could have been funny. The problem is that Brandon Routh did nothing with them. Seriously. Nothing. I had high hopes that Mr. Routh could be the making of the next Nathan Fillion or Bruce Campbell. Unfortunately, he just came off as wooden and kind of stiff. When you’re so pretty you make a girl swoon (seriously, when he took his shirt off, I drooled a little) and you aren’t willing to have fun then you’re going to drag all of us kicking and screaming through the movie. Remember when Ash (Bruce) is showing off his BOOMSTICK?

boomstick bruce campbell army of darknessSee that face? He’s into it. That’s HIS boomstick. He’s sold. I never got that from Brandon. I don’t know, maybe I was just too lost in his eyes, those lipid pools of awesome cascading down from the glorious mountains that are his pectorals…… what was I writing about again?….

hubba hubba

One Sci-Five out of Five

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