Autobots! Roll out bitches!

Help me, Optimus Prime. You're my only hope!

I saw Transformers: Dark of the Moon a week ago today.  Normally you would have seen a review of it the very next day but this was not a normal week.  Laryngitis decided to rear its ugly head and, literally, by the end of the movie I went from having that sexy Kate Mulgrew voice you get when you’re sick, to barely being able to squeak when I tried to speak.

Brilliant.

Needless to say, I went to the doctor and was promptly quarantined for a week.   My voice is slooooooowly coming back (instead of nothing coming out, I can sort of croak…like a frog…) and my mental capacities are returning (No, thank YOU antibiotics).

Anyhooters, back to Transformers.

Ok, I’ll admit it, I kind of dig Michael Bay.  I always know what I’m going to get and really, we need a person like Michael Bay to make movies full of explosions and boobies (not always in that order).  That’s not to say I like everything he’s ever directed.  FAAAAAR from it.  But I’ve gotten a kick out of the Transformers trilogy (that might be a slight exaggeration when it comes to Revenge of the Fallen, but whatever).

Just sayin'

I’ll admit something else.  I’m not a big fan of the animated movie (which is set in 2005 by the way).  Don’t hate me.  Sure, it had Orson Welles (Unicron is not to be confused with Unicorn) and Robert Stack in it, but it also killed off Optimus Prime in the first five minutes and forced us to follow some dumb kid (Daniel Witwicky instead of Sam) and a new Autobot named Hot Rod (voiced by Judd Nelson no less) that looked more like Barbie’s dream car than a bad ass Transformer.

But I digress.

This time around MB decided to throw every celebrity he could at us.  I won’t even try to list them all.  Seriously, it was ridiculous.  Awesomely ridiculous.  McDreamy as a villain?  Hellz yeah! Homoerotica with Mr. Chow?  Yes pleaze!  Taking orders from Marge Gunderson?  Oh, yoo betcha!  Every scene had another one.  My favorite has got to be John Malkovich.  He was pretty much continuing his Marvin Boggs character from RED but holy shit did he make me LOL.  As for the oldies but goodies, it was totally retarded how they brought Lennox, Simmons, Epps, etc, etc  all back together but whatever.  It IS Michael Bay we’re talking about.

On to more important things.  Like Victoria’s Secret models.  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (hereafter RHW because fuck no am I going to keep typing out that long ass name) is a tall skinny pile of walking sex.  I’m going to admit to yet another tidbit.  I’ll take RHW over Megan Fox any day of the week. Her function may be to stand there and look pretty but at least she does it with class.  I cracked up every time they referred to the crazy bitch that dumped Sam sometime between this movie and the last one.  If you ask me, Sam got the better end of this deal.  I mean, RHW is so hot she has superpowers.  Somehow, she’s magically able to survive a collapsing skyscraper with perfect hair and nary a smudge on her perfect face or her white skinny jeans.  She also convinced Megatron that he’d end up, and I quote, Sentinel’s “bitch” if he didn’t beat his ass right now. “Oh no he di-ent!” Superpowers I tell you!  My one beef with good ol’ MB and his hot little ladies?  The fact that they’re always running around in high heels.  I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that I speak for all my fellow females out there when I say: FUCK THAT.

She likes bunny wabbits

I’m just admitting all kinds of crap tonight, but here’s another one.  Shia LaBeouf cracks me up.  No really, he does.  I’m pretty sure that Sam Witwicky and I were separated at birth.  We’re both klutzy and sarcastic and dorky as all get out.  I wouldn’t want to date him but I’m pretty sure he’d be the most awesome gay best friend ever.  Ok, that’s all I have to say about Shia.

Now to the most important part…the Transformers.  Sadly underused as usual.  One of these days MB is going to make a movie where they have more than 5 minutes worth of dialogue.  Don’t get me wrong, the fight scenes are EPIC and I could sit there and watch them all day (especially in IMAX 3D like I did last week) but he doesn’t give us any opportunity to really get to know them.  Not even Bumblebee.  I watched the cartoon growing up so I can fill in the blanks but how do the laymen even tell the difference between some of these robots from outer space?  All I’m saying is that when you have a voice on tap like Peter Cullen’s…use the heck out of it.

Uhhhh...this is a Deceptibot...right...?

Going back to the animated movie…the one thing it had going for it was Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron (aka all the Decepticons mushed together by Unicron).  MB decided that Lennie should be rebooted as Sentinel Prime and that Sentinel Prime should be rebooted as a fucking BAD GUY.  What. The. Fuck. 

To top it all off, MB gave him a face that was some kind of eerie hybrid between Spock and Captain Jack Sparrow.

Parlay?

Seriously.

Bizarre.

But nothing can make me stop loving Leonard Nimoy.  Especially when he does stuff like this just for shits and giggles:

At least he had Lennie say the seminal line from Star Trek II: “The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” And that was only one of MANY Star Trek references (God Bless you Michael Bay). 

All in all I thought it was a fun ride.  Lots of explosions and boobies.

Does anything else in life really matter?

I think not.

3.5 out of 5 sci-fives!

Sci Five 3.5