Snow White and the Huntsman reviewed

Yeah…probably should have taken this picture AFTER seeing the movie.

The previews for Snow White and the Huntsman were gorgeous. People morphing into ravens and shards of obsidian, a T-1000 mirror, Charlize Theron bathing in a vat of white paint. All very cool visuals.  So I was super excited to see all of these beautiful shots come together in one stunning example of marvelous movie making.

Sadly, I was sorely disappointed.

That’s not to say it was a bad film, it wasn’t, it just didn’t live up to my high expectations. Each scene is lovely, with superb visual fx, but the transitions between those scenes were awkward and choppy.  The movie didn’t flow. The acting was good for the most part but Director Rupert Sanders seemed much more interested in the quality of acting in the close ups than in the wide shots.  Perfect example is Charlize Theron.  She looked and sounded terrifyingly ravishing in the close ups but cheesy and garish in the wide shots.  This was a bit disheartening for me since she was the main reason I wanted to see this movie and I know just how brilliant she can be.

Snow White has been reinterpreted countless times since the middle ages. Being German, I grew up with the Grimm’s version in which the dwarves are nameless, Snow is woken up by the Prince’s inept servants as opposed to his kiss, and the evil queen is killed when she’s forced to dance to death in red hot iron shoes. Disney went and fraked that all up. (Fun fact, Dean Stockwell’s daddy voiced the prince in the Disney version. I can’t believe I actually know that.)

Warning: I try not to spoil things but I might so be warned.

This version is nothing like the Grimm’s version. The evil queen has a creepy brother (with an even more creepy haircut), the huntsman is a drunk widower (who doesn’t care if he dies…except that he does care), the prince isn’t a prince (he’s the son of a duke), the dwarves live in a fairy land full of psychedelic flora and fauna (and don’t whistle, work or have pickaxes), and Snow White is far more empowered (which is always nice). The giant elk in the forest with tree branch antlers is lovely and obviously supposed to be on the same level as Aslan but the scene where Snow approaches him is a pale imitation of the Lili/Unicorn scene in Legend.

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna is otherworldly. She has a fantastic wardrobe that includes shoulder pads made from bones and lots of raven feathers (get it? Raven…Ravenna….?) She’s great at looking steely-eyed and has nailed the art of letting tears hover just on the cusp of her eye but not letting them fall.  Whoever did her makeup and prosthetics should be nominated for an Oscar because WOW she looked incredible the entire time. Even when she was dying she was gorgeous. It turns out that Ravenna is a total spoiled brat throwing a giant man-hating temper tantrum. Which is really too bad because I bet she’s a wildcat in the sack.

Kristen Stewart is most definitely not fairer than Charlize Theron but she’s a very realistic kind of pretty and she does look really cute in her girly armor. To be honest, I kind of felt like I was watching one of the Twilight films during her scenes. Jumping off a cliff? Check. Being scared by giant beasts and falling backwards? Check. Having men stare at her while she’s unconscious? Check. Hair stuck to her lip while she’s saying something that’s supposed to be important except you don’t know what she said because you were distracted by the hair stuck to her lip? Check.  As I mentioned before, at least she was an empowered version of Snow White. She wants to fight and kill her evil stepmother…though where she gets the strength to do that after being locked in a tiny tower cell for 10 years with no exercise is a mystery to me. But she’s got help. Birds guide her, horses wait around for her (then nose dive into mud which was HI-larious), and people are eager to help her (when they don’t look like they want to eat her…that was weird).

My boyfr….I mean, Chris Hemsworth brings his usual charm and comedic timing to the role of the Hunstman aka Eric. I love watching him fight. In my opinion, he’s one of the best movie fighters I’ve ever seen. The chemistry between him and KStew was virtually non-existent but it’s obvious how hard he’s trying to make it work anyway. The part where it was most evident is when he’s talking to a poisoned Snow. Without an acting partner in the way he’s able to deliver a very touching monologue to what he thinks is her corpse.  He’s dirty and muddy for 99% of the movie and somehow that just makes him sexier. God, I love-hate him. I joke a lot about how hot Chris Hemsworth is and, it’s true, he’s insanely hot, but my love for him has much to more with the fact that he plays my favorite comic book character than the fact that he’s deliciousness on legs. I swear!

I totally thought that young William (aka the non-prince) was the kid who plays Bran on Game of Thrones. But apparently it’s not. Boo. Snow White’s little buddy grows up to be the guy from POTC: On Stranger Tides who falls in love with a mermaid. He was ok. Nothing remarkable. I was more interested in trying to figure out who plays his dad, the Duke. Then it hit me that he was the Captain in 300. I knew I recognized those eyes.

The dwarves are the best part of the movie, especially when they are penetrating the castle through the sewer system. They are funny, charming, and I want to live in the enchanted forest with them. The most notable are Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone and Toby Jones. You can’t go wrong with any of those actors.

The end of the movie is rather anti-climactic. You think you know which boy Snow is going to choose but they never show her making her decision…and the part where they should have shown her making her decision hangs on in weird movie purgatory for an uncomfortably long time. I wanted to shout at the screen “Stop standing there with your stupid tree branch and go kiss him dammit!” You wait the whole movie for the truly satisfying, sexy kissing action and they never deliver it. Lame.

The ending credits were beautiful though. Kind of Avengers-esque in that it has the camera hovering over close up shots of armor and swords and whatnot. Because I always sit through the credit crawl (and you should too) I noticed that the movie is dedicated to “Little Eira White” which caught my eye because I happen to know that Eira is “snow” in Welsh.  So the film is dedicated to…itself.

Well ok then.

2 out of 5 Sci-Fives!

two out of five sci-fives

11 thoughts on “Snow White and the Huntsman reviewed

  1. Lol yr reveiw is funny yet tru !! Miss Theron is and always will be hot !! Like me she’s African!! So nuff said x crap film , enjoyable to the point that it took the edge off the whole Queen thang weekend !! Always a bonus

  2. Honestly I was torn as to whether to bother seeing this. On one side I had Chris & Charlize and how could that not be good, but KStew being one of the main protagonists… hmm. I was worried it was going to end up like Twilight with armour (but less bitey) which is something you mentioned. That girl needs some depth to her acting… I think this was her attempt to expand and not be type cast. So until your 4th last paragraph I was sitting here going, ‘yup really don’t need to see it, might rent it on DVD one night when I have nothing else to see’ and then I saw who plays the dwarves… and just like that I figure if KStew gets annoying I’ll just imagine my head on her body for the rest of the film :)
    Huge LOL at the film being dedicated to itself hahaha.

  3. Just to clarify – Eira was the baby daughter of a close friend of Rupert Sanders’ (and someone who also worked on the film) who died shortly before the film came out.

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  5. God ! Excellent review!!!! I fell off my seat laughing like mad.
    Btw, the duKe’s dad also appeared as loyal Mirmidon assitant to Brad in Troy, I could not forget those eyes either.

  6. You nailed it with Kristen’s lack of depth; its the same character over and over again (and its getting old). I’m glad I’m not the only one that thought young William was Bran! Now, they only need to add our boyfrie…I mean your….I mean Chris Hemsworth to the cast of GOT!! *swoon*

  7. Naw. I also saw the Eira White two minutes ago (also sticking through the creds). It’s the first time I watched the film. I didn’t like it that much. Sanders isn’t a very original director. I think Eira White is really the actress who played it.

  8. They so have pickaxes! If you don’t believe me, check the dwarves first scenes again. And they don’t live in a fairy land until after Snow has waoken the land up with her cuteness or whatever.
    The elk isn’t an elk, it’s some kind of fairy tale deer – even if I think it looks like a Swedish birch in the middle of winter. Lol.
    And you make me want to watch Legend again, have to find that film. :)
    And I agree to everything you had to say about the female actresses. Love Charlize Theron, don’t really care for Kirsten Stewart. Have you realized she only has three facial expressions? Sad, surprised and annoyed (when she’s supposed to be mad) – even in the end she didn’t look really happy.
    And since you obviously love Chris Hemsworth as much as I do – have you seen Hunger Games? That’s his brother. ;) Gale, that is. A bit young, but so cute.
    I agree with your opinions about the end of the movie but now, a few days after I’ve seen it, I’m kind of happy they didn’t kiss. I mean, they have no chemistry at all (it felt more like Hansel and Gretel than Sleeping Beauty and the Prince…). I think I’m happy I didn’t have to watch Bella – oh, sorry, Snow – kiss one of the best actors of today.
    Great review!

  9. Started to watch Mirror Mirror, and after about four minutes switched to Snow White and the Huntsman. Maybe Bella is Bella, and the characters weren’t very well fleshed out, but it was made Lord of The Rings style (full throated battle yells supplant meaty dialogue), and if you`re not impressed, try watching Mirror Mirror for about 30 seconds. You`ll appreciate the Huntsman a lot more! Makes the Hollywood crap really wear emperor`s clothes. You’re right of course. Kristen looks best when she`s passed out, or when she`s looking dewy-eyed like there`s something penetrating somewhere… I won’t speak about the men so much, you’d be a lot better judge, but Charlize can rip my heart out any day she wants it! Too bad they didn’t give her a little more room to act.
    Movie was directed pretty well for the style it was designed to fit, but if you want to see directing and a superb script bring out the best in actors, watch Detachment. Probably not a Hollywood product either! BTW, nice to see Pinewood Studios still kicking them out.

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