Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – OH MY!

Wanna make out?

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a nerd in possession of an illness must go on a Jane Austen bender.

At least it does for this nerd.

For someone who fancies themselves a writer (or an aspiring one at least) I don’t write nearly enough about books. Which is strange considering the rate in which I devour them.

I don’t know what it is but whenever I get sick (I’m just about recovered from the second illness in a row) I become obsessed with something and hunt down every form of it that I can. About half the time it’s Jane Austen.

What can I say? I’m a chick.

So it was this last time around. I watched every version of Pride and Prejudice I own (1980, 1995, and 2005 twice), Sense & Sensibility, Emma, Becoming Jane, Lost in Austen…I even watched Vanity Fair hoping it would be Austen-esque (it wasn’t, it was awful in spite of all the great actors in it). And I finally got around to reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Girls! The Pentagram of Death!

I don’t know about you but I always have a stack of books as tall as I am that I need to read.  I go through them pretty quickly but I’m constantly adding to it so the pile never really shrinks. And I just can’t bring myself to use the Kindle. I love the smell and the look and the feel of books too much. I have a BookMate and that’s good enough for me. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has been in that pile for years now. Probably longer than any other book. I didn’t pick it up for two reasons. The first being that when I got it I was on another Austen bender and had just reread the OG P&P, Darcy’s Story and Mr. Darcy, Vampyre and I was kind of Austened out. The second reason is that it has zombies. And y’all know that my biggest fear is zombies.

And the Violator.

And Fire Marshall Bill.

But mostly zombies.

But every time I went to the pile my eyes would inevitably land on the Seth Grahame-Smith redux. I knew it would be good; I’d read and fell in love with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (which I HIGHLY recommend). So on a (totally inevitable) whim I grabbed it from the pile last week.

To my very pleasant surprise I not only loved it but it didn’t scare me. No nightmares, no heart palpitations, no slamming it shut. I even studied the pictures with glee! Though I’ll probably never look at cauliflower the same way again… but mostly I laughed. A lot.

Mmmmmm....cauliflower brains......

Of all Jane Austen’s characters, I’ve always related the most to Elizabeth Bennet. She’s stubborn, witty, and says things that are borderline inappropriate. I would really like to believe that, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would rise to the occasion as a zombie slayer like the Lizzy in this version (albeit without the slow zombification of my BFF). Imagining her kicking Darcy in the face had me in stitches for a good 5 minutes at least. Seeing Lady Catherine de Bourgh make her do one-fingered handstands and fight ninjas was epic. Even the detail of modifying the questions printed at the end was hysterical.

Take that you woeful wooer!

And now the truth. I feel like I’m going to end up in literary hell for saying this, but I actually enjoyed it more than the original.

There. I said it.

Now please excuse me while I go and administer the seven cuts of shame.

***

“And to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

I do, Mr. Darcy! I do!

On to Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters!

A collection of random thoughts about A Song of Ice and Fire

I mean seriously, I could totally be a Stark! Right?!

I finally finished reading Book 5 of the Song of Ice and Fire series by George RR Martin (which took me an abnormally long time compared to books 1-4).  As I read and finished each book in the series I wrote down my thoughts.  Sometimes they are snippets, sometimes they are discussions I’m having with myself, and sometimes it’s just me rehashing something that happened so that I can work it all out in my head.  Writing crap like this down is just something I’ve always done.  I’m not really sure why.

I did not edit these random thought nuggets so BE WARNED THAT THERE ARE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SPOILERS AHEAD and if you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read those sections.  As a bonus I wrote down my brain farts while watching the first season of the HBO Game of Thrones TV show.  I’m not including any of my thoughts on the second season because it’s still in progress and some folks wait for the DVD’s to come out, etc etc.

So here you go, a glimpse into the way my brain works 😉

 

Game of Thrones

Having descended from Nordic peoples, I have a feeling I would totally dig living at Winterfell.

I want a direwolf.  Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?

George, I’m not gonna lie, I’m more than a little pissed that you killed off my favorite Lord.  I’m sure his death is going to play a huge part in the books to come but I really thought he was going to get out of there and live to fight another day.

I will comfort myself with Ned Stark cake pops

I love Arya. Probably because she reminds me of me at that age, a scraggly, scrawny tomboy running around with all the boys having adventures.  I had no use for Barbies except when I needed someone for GI Joe to rescue from the dinosaurs. I would have loved nothing more than to have had a private “dance” instructor back then…actually, that still holds true today.

Dance monkey, dance!

Yeesh Lysa.  Somebody get this girl some heavy medication.

Poor Bran.

This Littlefinger dude is more trouble than he seems.

“No Ser Jorah, it’s totally cool.  I’m just gonna walk into this burning funeral pyre, mmmkay?  It’s all good.”  I can see why Ser Jorah would have his doubts.

Way to find your girl power Daenerys!

So wait, what’s the difference between an “Other” and a “Wight”?  Ok, got it.

Wow. Joffrey is an asshat.

Thank gods my brother isn’t like Viserys, I’d probably kill him too.  Khal Drogo wins the “most creative way to kill a douchebag” award.

Incest is the best, put your sister to the test. Now please excuse me while I vomit profusely.

Theon, you sound like a sexy beast.  I kind of dig it how you smirk all the time as your way of sticking it to the man.  You might be my crush in this series.

Clash of Kings

GDit Theon Greyjoy, you little shit.  I used to have a sort of crush on my mental image of you with your cocky little smile and your bad boy attitude, but now I just want to go bloody mummer on your ass.  How dare you sir!  How dare you hurt Old Nan!

Sansa is my least favorite of all the Starks…so why do I cry the ugly cry during her parts?!? I love Arya and she’s going through way more crap than Sansa is but I don’t even get verklempt during Arya’s parts.  I think it must be because Sansa is so helpless and defenseless.  Arya’s got skillz and can take care of herself but Sansa can only whimper while Joffrey is abusing her.  I will say that Sansa has grown on me though.  I wanted to strangle her myself while reading Game of Thrones.

Poor poor Bran…oh wait, nevermind.

So wait, Melisandre gives birth to murderous shadow babies?  WTF??

Hodor.  Hodor?  HODOOOOOOORRR!!!!

It's true. Cause he's huge. You'd probably get knocked down. Yeah.

Sucks to be Ser Seaworth.  Say that 5 times fast.

Valar Morghulis?  Duh.  Way to state the obvious.

Craster is fucked up.  How do you look at the toddler running around and think, yeah, I’ll bang her in a few more years.  I mean WTF?!??  I can’t say I blame Gilly for wanting to get the hell out of Dodge.

The dwarf gets all the best sex.  That’s awesome.  But for some reason I can’t get the image of Willow banging Sorsha out of my head.

I think I know who Arstan Whitebeard is….I think.  But I don’t want to say yet in case it’s BS (see what I did there?)  I love a good double entendre.

WHY ARE YOU KILLING OFF ALL OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS, GEORGE?????

A Storm of Swords

1000 pages of awesomesauce.

Hell yeah!  I was right about Selmy! Self sci-five!

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks that Gendry has a fat crush on Arya.

Geez George, is there anyone you won’t kill??  Is nothing and no one sacred???

Huh.  Well Catelyn, I honestly didn’t see that coming.  I’d hang all the Frey’s too.

Still not sure what to think of Jojen but Meera is awesome.  I’d have a crush on her too, Bran.  Why are psychic kids always so creepy?

Valar Dohaeris. Unless you fancy yourself royal.

Always listen to your direwolf.

So are all of the Stark children wargs?

I wonder if House Tyrell is a GRRM nod to the Tyrell Corporation? Either way, the Tyrell women are fantastic.  I love the Queen of Thorns.  She reminds me of my grandma.  Except for the scheming and murdering.

Wow Sansa, you get a lot done in this book.  I’m impressed.

Jaime – loses a hand and becomes a man.

Ygritte – I’m glad that Jon won’t die a virgin.

Sam – you fucktard.  Making Jon Lord Commander was the worst thing you could have done for him.  Although I think you’re right that he was the best man for the job out of the people who were available.  Thank God Janos Slynt is dead.  I hated that asshole.

Tywin Lannister = biggest hypocrite ever.  That kind of surprised me actually. Tyrion wins the “best way to commit patricide” award.

Holy shit Littlefinger.  So you’re the puppet master.  I knew I needed to keep a close eye on you.  I kind of love to hate you.  You need to lay off Sansa though, it’s creeping me out.

I’m pretty much convinced that Coldhands is Benjen Stark.

A Feast for Crows

George, I wish that you had stuck with using chronological order.  Just sayin’.

So who’s the new Pate?  Jaqen H’ghar is my guess.  I can’t wait to find out what he’s up to now.

Brienne is my hero.

Oh Cersei.  Cersei, Cersei, Cersei.  You can talk the talk but you can’t walk the walk.  It’s about time karma bit you in the butt.

Damn, Zombie Catelyn, you’re kinda batshit.

Ok, so Littlefinger is a bit of an enigma to me.  I’m thinking that he transferred his Catelyn obsession over to Sansa and some warped part of him feels like he can screw over every other person in Westeros so long as he takes care of her.  He obviously wants to be king and he’s obviously the master puppeteer in the game of thrones. …. Right?

I don’t have anything nice to say about the Greyjoy’s.  Even Asha has lost her appeal.

I do; however, like Dornish women.

I hope this whole Arya storyline goes somewhere super cool because I’m ready for her to move on.  Which is weird because I actually really look forward to these chapters.  It’s like a different book within the book.  I need the kindly man to teach me some patience.  And I love how Sam keeps running into all the “dead” Stark kids.

A Dance with Dragons

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, George, stop killing everyone I love GDit!!!

Ok Asha, I kind of like you again.

And the recipient of the “character who went through the most crap” award goes to….Tyrion Lannister!  Holy shit dude.  You had, like, 9 lives in this book.

It’s a relief to finally know where Varys stands in this whole thing.

Poor, poor Quentyn.  Yeesh, I feel bad for that kid.  All he wanted was to make his daddy proud and instead he ended up a crispy critter.

It’s about damn time Dany rode Drogon!  That was epic!  What followed was not so epic…

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  Not my Jon!!  And how many times do I have to tell you Stark kids not to leave your direwolves behind?  Ugh.  Littlefinger was right about you lot in that regard.

Season 1 of HBO’s A Game of Thrones

God bless HBO and their penchant for gratuitous nudity.

Director Tim Van Patten’s brother makes my cat’s food.

Robb Stark.  I’d hit that.

Renly’s gay???  That was made up for the show right? Cause I don’t remember getting that impression in the books.  But I guess I just missed it.

From now on, whenever I hear the Johnny Cash song “Ring of Fire” I will have a very distinct picture of Dany in my head.

I probably would have avoided this little experiment

Theon, you don’t look like how I imagined you in the books but I didn’t want to punch your face in right away so you’re a good actor at least.

Jon Snow.  I’d hit that.

That’s a whole lotta penis and vajayjay.  Most were cool but I’m pretty sure I saw Pycelle’s and that was just totally unnecessary.

When you play the game of thrones, either you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

And that wraps up my Game of Thrones wrap up.  Sorry if this gives you an epileptic seizure but I thought it was really cool.