Attack of the Top 10 Sci-Fi Mustache’s

Hot Nerd Girl Mustache

There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to decide whether or not he wants to sport some facial hair.  Trends have come and gone but one style remains a classic.

The mustache.

Some men prefer a classic lady tickler, others are more creatively inclined.  The 80’s sparked what I like to call the “pornstache.”  Heck, all four of my male parental units have maintained a crumb catcher at some point.

dad's with visors picture frameIn honor of great mustachioed men, here is my list of the Top 10 ‘staches of Sci-Fi:

10. Guy Fleegman – Galaxy Quest

galaxy-quest-guy-fleegman-1

"Who looks like a tool? I look like a tool. ALL RIGHT!"

We’ll start with the spoof, shall we?  Poor Guy, he had a bit part in his favorite sci-fi show and therefore became convinced he was doomed to die a redshirts death after he follows the crew aboard the Thermian’s NSEA Protector in an attempt to defeat the evil alien warlord Sarris.  Instead, he helps save the day and becomes Security Chief “Roc” Ingersoll.  See what a mustache will do for you kids?  It’s like MAGIC.

9. ZedZardoz

zardoz & borat

There are no coincidences.....

Sporting a red monokini and a fu manchu, Sean Connery tests the waters of science fiction with a confusing plotline and a trusty revolver.  Supposedly Zed is the perfect man, the result of eugenics experiments (he could pass for Khan’s brother, yah?) created to save mankind.  His inspiration?  The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  No shit.  Don’t get it yet?  The God is named Zardoz as in WiZARD of OZ.  Yup, pretty much.  The best part about Zardoz is what he teaches: “The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was, but the gun shoots death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth . . . and kill!” Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.

8. Admiral Adama Battlestar Galactica

Edward James Olmos Battlestar MustacheNormally Bill would be higher up in the list of anything and everything but since he only rocked his mustache when Laura Roslin wasn’t there to see it (aka about 3 episodes), he’s back at #8.  While his people were slowly migrating to New Caprica and his kid was busy getting fat in the face (but not really anywhere else which was really weird), Bill decided that the best way to alleviate his boredom would be to grow a mustache.  If my mission in life were suddenly gone, I’d be tempted to grow one too.  As soon as life got back to it’s scary, running from the toasters, normal self, the mustache came off and everyone (and I mean everyone) went back to the look they were sporting a year prior.  I think it was their little way of saying “Fuck you New Caprica, we never liked you anyway.”

7. Lt. Hiram CoffeyThe Abyss

CoffeyWhy do the movies always make Navy SEALS look like jackasses?  I’ve known a few Navy SEALS in my life (including one that was smaller than me and, no joke, sported a mustache) and let me tell you, you have to be a smart and focused son of a bitch to make it in their ranks.  Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now.  Lt. Coffey is a Hollywood Navy SEAL trigger-happy jackass who dies trying to kill something (NTI’s) that he doesn’t understand with a warhead despite the fact that everyone around him is telling him to calm the fuck down.  His one redeeming quality?  A kick ass ‘stache.

6. Prince Barin Flash Gordon & Neville SinclairThe Rocketeer

licence-to-kill-mustache

Totally not photoshopped....

Hot damn Timothy Dalton, you really love your fanny duster, don’t you?  Timmy gets a double mention for these two beauties.

dalton_barinI’ll start with Flash Gordon.  I’m not gonna lie, I heart me some Queen and they did most of the soundtrack for this 1980’s film starring former Marine and Playgirl centerfold Sam J. Jones as a football player who gets rocket propelled into space and has to deal with alien drama in order to save Earth.  Like typical boys, Flash and Prince Barin have to fight each other before they realize that they can get more done if they team up.  Boys are so dumb sometimes.  They git-r-done and Timmy is made King.  Yay!

sinclairIn The Rocketeer Timmy switches sides and plays the bad guy.  Neville Sinclair is a dashing actor who just happens to be a Nazi spy.  Sporting a much more stylish mustache than his fuehrer, Neville meets his end after escaping a burning Zeppelin on a stolen rocket, and then crashing into the last four letters of the Hollywoodland sign (you always wondered what happened to those last four letters, didn’t you?)  The source of his demise?  Chewing gum, of course.  Take THAT you Nazi bastard!

5. Wikus District 9

wikus from district 9

"Excuse me, but do I have something in my eye?"

With a name like Sharlto Copley, you don’t even need a mustache to be cool.  But it can’t hurt.  Poor Wikus van de Merwe.  All he wants to do is impress his Father-in-Law.  Instead he gets alien jib sprayed in his face and loses that glorious mustache as he slowly mutates into a prawn.  At least he learns how to make flowers out of scrap metal.  Always looking on the bright side Wikus, it’s what I like about you.  That and your weird South African accent that isn’t quite British and isn’t quite Australian.

4. Wellington YuehDune

Yuah (Dean Stockwell) from DuneDean Stockwell is a personal favorite of mine having starred in Dune, Quantum Leap, and Battlestar Galactica.  For Dune he whipped out his trusty magic marker and drew on a rockin’ mustache.  Just for good measure, he threw in a spiffy red dot right smack in the middle of his forehead.  Yueh is a Suk doctor who has been trained to obey some kind of crazy futuristic Hippocratic Oath.  That is, until his wife gets kidnapped and he throws all of that right out the window, betraying and ultimately destroying his patron.  He sort of redeems himself in the end but it’s too little too late.

3. Shepherd BookFirefly

Shepard Book (Ron Glass) from FireflySome people have issues with Book’s hair while it’s in its natural, gloriously poufy state.  However, I’ve yet to hear one complaint about his mustache.  Why?  Because it’s awesome and even River can’t deny that fact.  I have no idea if the tea strainer is required by his religious order or not but I’m pretty sure it could help even the most hardened prostitute find religion.  Don’t believe me?  Watch “Heart of Gold” and ignore the fact that a madman with a battery-operated ray gun is coming after them.  Told you so.

2. Lando Calrissian Star Wars

Lando-CalrissianOk, so totally bizarro, but every time I think of Lando Calrissian I think of the song “Rico Suave.”  Seriously. What. The. Fuck.  I know it’s not rational and yet it happens every time.  I think I need electroshock therapy or something.  I’m just going to point to this definition of suave over at Urban Dictionary and be done with it.  Anyhooters…back to Lando aka friend/traitor/friend to Han Solo.  Don’t judge his actions until you’ve got Darth Vader all up in your shiznit.  For all we know, Boba Fett threatened to shave off his epic mustache.  That, my friends, would have been a tragic facial hair FAIL.

1. Montgomery Scott – Star Trek

Scotty nice mustache!

Scotty may not have grown out his nose neighbor until later than life but he still gets the top spot on my list.  Why, you ask?  Because it’s my God damn list.  And because, above all else, I heart Star Trek and because Jimmy Doohan was arguably the most talented actor in the entire cast.  He was the source of many voices, many characterizations, and was even the original inventor of both the Vulcan and Klingon languages.  He’s also the only person on this list whose ashes have been shot into space…actually I think he’s the only one who has died…but whatever, the point is, he has earned his spot at #1.  And he rules.

Scotty mean mustache! GRRRRRR!!!!!

10 Hottest Babes of Sci-Fi

There is nothing quite like seeing a hot chick in a hot outfit kicking some alien ass. Maybe it’s the funky hairdos, or the skin tight outfits, or the technobabble being spoken by a pair of ruby red lips. I don’t know, but can you honestly tell me that there’s anything greater? Honestly.

Honestly.

I didn’t think so.

So in honor of these bodacious, bad ass, and brilliant babes (cause brains are important too), here’s my list of the top 10 hottest babes in Sci-Fi.

You’re welcome.

10. Nichelle Nichols

uhuracover_smShe wasn’t the first sci-fi babe but she’s the earliest one on the list and she has the distinction of having broken down several racial barriers as Uhura. Not only was she a main character on a television show who was black (and a female), but she participated in the first ever inter-racial kiss on television in the Star Trek episode “Plato’s Stepchildren.” Of course, they had to make the kiss forced by aliens to get it past the censors but it was a step in the right direction. When the pressure became too much and she was tempted to quit, none other than Martin Luther King Jr himself convinced her to stay on the show. On a personal note, I’ve met her and she’s AWESOME.

9. Carrie-Anne Moss

Carrie-Anne-Moss-Trinity

She wears skin tight leather while kicking some serious ass. Having worn skin tight leather I can tell you exactly how difficult that is. Her main claim to sci-fi fame is the Matrix trilogy (we’ll stick with the first one, shall we?) It’s a movie that revolutionized film making, CGI, story telling, you name it. Some people dig Neo, I dig Trinity. I even dig her slicked back hair which is not something I usually go for (*cough* Jamie Lee Curtis *cough* True Lies *cough) I can think of a couple of trinities involving Carrie-Anne that I wouldn’t mind being a part of.

8. Linda Hamilton

linda hamilton terminator 2

Holy craparoni Batman, talk about ripped. The then Mrs. Cameron worked out like a maniac to prep for her role in Terminator 2: Judgment Day showing a grit and self-discipline totally befitting her character. Any woman who can break out of a maximum security facility with a broom stick and a hypodermic needle deserves kudos in my book. And a giant underground storage bunker full of weapons? Yes please! Very few women look hot with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths. Linda Hamilton is one of them.

7. Sigourney Weaver

weaver final

From ripped to Ripley, Sigourney is another bad ass chick with a chip on her shoulder. She may fight aliens instead of robots but, like Sarah Connor, Ellen Ripley keeps coming back for more. She’s also managed to solidify her place in sci-fi history with a couple of other franchises in the form of Ghostbusters and Avatar (personally my favorite character in the movie). After all of that, how could she possibly endear herself to me even more? Oh, I dunno, maybe by starring in one of my very favorite movies ever, GALAXY QUEST. Never give up, never surrender Sigourney. We need you.

6. Famke Janssen

Famke Janssen

Genre-wise most people automatically think of X-Men when they think of Miss Famke and I know I’m walking a fine line here since technically X-Men is a comic book movie, not a sci-fi movie *semi-colon however comma* she’s got some sci-fi cred of her very own. Ok, yes, she is a Bond girl but I’m not referring to that either. Let’s go back about 18 years and remember a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode called “The Perfect Mate” in which Famke played Kamala, an alien that looks kind of like a Trill before we knew what Trill’s were. Kamala is biologically created to become the perfect mate for the person she bonds with. As in, loves football and beer and giving blowjobs.  You name it, she’s on it.  The perfect woman. For this role alone she deserves a place on this list.

5. Milla Jovovich

milla jovovich

Another ass kicker. God I love a woman who can kick some ass. In The 5th Element, Leeloo wore little more than some first aid tape and a bright orange ‘do. It matched Bruce Willis’ bright orange spandex wife beater and I’m pretty sure he saw that as a sign of fate. I know I would. Resident Evil has zombies in it.  I may have mentioned once or twice before that I don’t much care for zombies (stoopid nightmares).  I’ve seen the first movie but none of the sequels.  Anyone who kills zombies is a-ok with me.

4. Marina Sirtis (see also Gates McFadden, Terry Farrell, Nana Visitor, Jeri Ryan)

The Sexy Sirens of Star Trek television. There are many of them and they are all pertiful. However, we’re going to focus on the utterly divine Deanna Troi for the purposes of this list. Originally introduced wearing a traditional lady’s uniform complete with a short hemline (ala Uhura) it was decided after oh, about 2 episodes, that her best assets were a little higher up on her body. Therefore, she became the one and only Starfleet officer ever permitted to not only ditch the uniform but wear cleavage-tastic outfits in lieu of said uniform. Much as it would inspire the troops, I just can’t see the USMC permitting such a thing. Only for Troi was the rule book thrown out. Plus I’ve heard that she cusses like a sailor with her awesome British accent. LOVE her. On a personal note, my brother married a girl named Troi which automatically knocked him up a few notches in my book. Jealous much? You should be, cause she’s AWESOME.

3. Zoe Saldana

Zoe Saldana

I danced for 15 years, and really, it’s how the “Hot” in “Hot Nerd Girl” got there. So I first fell in love with Miss Zoe when she was in the movie Center Stage about a ballet school in NYC. Since then she has become something of a sci-fi “It Girl” with her roles in the new Star Trek movie (soon to be franchise) and Avatar movie (soon to be franchise). An admitted sci-fi geek, she’s not afraid to challenge herself and take on larger than life roles. Oh, and she’s HAWT. She’s got that going for her.

2. Olivia Wilde

Olivia Wilde

The sci-fi “It Girl” of the not so distant future. Here’s a girl who has yet to be seen on screen in a sci-fi film. All of that will change on December 17th when Tron: Legacy comes out. In a way she’s replacing Cindy Morgan’s Yori with her Quorra and that’s just fine with me. She gets to sport a normal (if slightly Mia Wallace-esque) hairdo instead of a day-glo bald cap which I’m sure she’s pretty dang stoked about. But that’s not all folks. In the works are Cowboys & Aliens with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford and Now with Amanda Seyfried and Cillian Murphy, both of which look extremely promising. Sci-fi “It Girl” of the future. You heard it here first.

1. Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher

If I didn’t put Princess Leia at the top of the list I’m pretty sure there would be a nerd uprising and I would have my HNG status revoked. If there’s anyone on this planet that can pull off a bronze bikini better than Carrie Fisher circa 1983, I have yet to see them. Star Wars is an iconic film, one that I watched over and over and over again growing up. Part of it was the Ewoks (soooo cute!) and part of it was the fact that I would have given my left pinkie toe to be Princess Leia, cinnabon hairdo and all.

And here’s how you can make it happen! A basic Princess Leia costume goes for about $50.  If I can get enough people to donate up to that amount, I’ll do a photo shoot and post it on the site! So donate below and let’s get this photo shoot happening!

Get me in a gold bikini NOW!

My Sarah Connor impression...uh...if she were to wear heels...which she would never do...meh.