Autobots! Roll out bitches!

Help me, Optimus Prime. You're my only hope!

I saw Transformers: Dark of the Moon a week ago today.  Normally you would have seen a review of it the very next day but this was not a normal week.  Laryngitis decided to rear its ugly head and, literally, by the end of the movie I went from having that sexy Kate Mulgrew voice you get when you’re sick, to barely being able to squeak when I tried to speak.

Brilliant.

Needless to say, I went to the doctor and was promptly quarantined for a week.   My voice is slooooooowly coming back (instead of nothing coming out, I can sort of croak…like a frog…) and my mental capacities are returning (No, thank YOU antibiotics).

Anyhooters, back to Transformers.

Ok, I’ll admit it, I kind of dig Michael Bay.  I always know what I’m going to get and really, we need a person like Michael Bay to make movies full of explosions and boobies (not always in that order).  That’s not to say I like everything he’s ever directed.  FAAAAAR from it.  But I’ve gotten a kick out of the Transformers trilogy (that might be a slight exaggeration when it comes to Revenge of the Fallen, but whatever).

Just sayin'

I’ll admit something else.  I’m not a big fan of the animated movie (which is set in 2005 by the way).  Don’t hate me.  Sure, it had Orson Welles (Unicron is not to be confused with Unicorn) and Robert Stack in it, but it also killed off Optimus Prime in the first five minutes and forced us to follow some dumb kid (Daniel Witwicky instead of Sam) and a new Autobot named Hot Rod (voiced by Judd Nelson no less) that looked more like Barbie’s dream car than a bad ass Transformer.

But I digress.

This time around MB decided to throw every celebrity he could at us.  I won’t even try to list them all.  Seriously, it was ridiculous.  Awesomely ridiculous.  McDreamy as a villain?  Hellz yeah! Homoerotica with Mr. Chow?  Yes pleaze!  Taking orders from Marge Gunderson?  Oh, yoo betcha!  Every scene had another one.  My favorite has got to be John Malkovich.  He was pretty much continuing his Marvin Boggs character from RED but holy shit did he make me LOL.  As for the oldies but goodies, it was totally retarded how they brought Lennox, Simmons, Epps, etc, etc  all back together but whatever.  It IS Michael Bay we’re talking about.

On to more important things.  Like Victoria’s Secret models.  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (hereafter RHW because fuck no am I going to keep typing out that long ass name) is a tall skinny pile of walking sex.  I’m going to admit to yet another tidbit.  I’ll take RHW over Megan Fox any day of the week. Her function may be to stand there and look pretty but at least she does it with class.  I cracked up every time they referred to the crazy bitch that dumped Sam sometime between this movie and the last one.  If you ask me, Sam got the better end of this deal.  I mean, RHW is so hot she has superpowers.  Somehow, she’s magically able to survive a collapsing skyscraper with perfect hair and nary a smudge on her perfect face or her white skinny jeans.  She also convinced Megatron that he’d end up, and I quote, Sentinel’s “bitch” if he didn’t beat his ass right now. “Oh no he di-ent!” Superpowers I tell you!  My one beef with good ol’ MB and his hot little ladies?  The fact that they’re always running around in high heels.  I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that I speak for all my fellow females out there when I say: FUCK THAT.

She likes bunny wabbits

I’m just admitting all kinds of crap tonight, but here’s another one.  Shia LaBeouf cracks me up.  No really, he does.  I’m pretty sure that Sam Witwicky and I were separated at birth.  We’re both klutzy and sarcastic and dorky as all get out.  I wouldn’t want to date him but I’m pretty sure he’d be the most awesome gay best friend ever.  Ok, that’s all I have to say about Shia.

Now to the most important part…the Transformers.  Sadly underused as usual.  One of these days MB is going to make a movie where they have more than 5 minutes worth of dialogue.  Don’t get me wrong, the fight scenes are EPIC and I could sit there and watch them all day (especially in IMAX 3D like I did last week) but he doesn’t give us any opportunity to really get to know them.  Not even Bumblebee.  I watched the cartoon growing up so I can fill in the blanks but how do the laymen even tell the difference between some of these robots from outer space?  All I’m saying is that when you have a voice on tap like Peter Cullen’s…use the heck out of it.

Uhhhh...this is a Deceptibot...right...?

Going back to the animated movie…the one thing it had going for it was Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron (aka all the Decepticons mushed together by Unicron).  MB decided that Lennie should be rebooted as Sentinel Prime and that Sentinel Prime should be rebooted as a fucking BAD GUY.  What. The. Fuck. 

To top it all off, MB gave him a face that was some kind of eerie hybrid between Spock and Captain Jack Sparrow.

Parlay?

Seriously.

Bizarre.

But nothing can make me stop loving Leonard Nimoy.  Especially when he does stuff like this just for shits and giggles:

At least he had Lennie say the seminal line from Star Trek II: “The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” And that was only one of MANY Star Trek references (God Bless you Michael Bay). 

All in all I thought it was a fun ride.  Lots of explosions and boobies.

Does anything else in life really matter?

I think not.

3.5 out of 5 sci-fives!

Sci Five 3.5

Red shirt, blue shirt, gold shirt, no shirt

Oh captain my captain, what has time done?

Oh captain my captain, what has time done?

Now there’s a Dr. Suess book I could get behind.

Poor, poor redshirts. They never stand a chance.

If I was a gal going in to Starfleet Academy in the year 2267, I would request a job that required a blue or gold uniform.  Why were the redshirts always the first to go?  I could give you the technical answer about how red uniforms are worn by Engineering and Security personnel and one or more of them would be required to go on away missions to protect the Captain or go in first to investigate.  But let’s be honest.  It’s the “black dude dies first” rule but since Star Trek is so enlightened they had to find another way of going about it.

You know it’s true.

At my first Star Trek Convention in San Francisco we were treated to some short films produced by fanboys.  One of them (and by far the most popular) was one about redshirts.  I don’t know if this was the exact one but it is equally as humorous:

The term “redshirt” has embedded itself in pop culture.  Anyone expendable is now a redshirt.

tracy-expendable1Personally, I like to think about how Ensign Ricky would have felt about all this.  I’m sure his mama would be proud that her brave young son will always be remembered for taking one for the (away) team.

By 2364 the red and gold uniforms had been swapped. I think this was a good move.  Red is more regal and commanding than yellow is.  It demands respect.  The Next Generation understandably didn’t want to become a joke by continuing the redshirt joke.  But they still needed a way to show that the bad guy was bad without killing off the main characters (Tasha Yar being the exception, but hey, she wanted out).

expendability

 

*bitch slap* "Don't you know who I am? I am the Borg! Resistance is futile, A**HOLE!"

*bitch slap* “Don’t you know who I am? I am the Borg! Resistance is futile, A**HOLE!”

This is where The Worf Effect comes in to play.

Worf is the biggest and most badass of the good guys so if a bad guy can throw Worf across the room (which they often do) they MUST be really bad!  Of course, Worf is a Klingon so he never really gets hurt (they leave that to falling cargo containers – far more deadly than the Borg apparently – but wait! He’s got back up organs!)

So the goldshirt never really took off like the redshirt did.  Which is probably for the best.

The blue uniforms have always been for Medical and Science personnel.  Let’s face it.  They are far less interesting.  Sure Dr. Crusher and Councilor Troi were hotties but Crusher covered hers up with a lab coat and Troi ditched hers altogether after the first two episodes in favor of cleavage.  If it wasn’t for Spock, the blueshirt wouldn’t even be purchased by fanboys for ComicCon and Halloween.  It’s a fact.

kirkAnd lastly, the no shirt. Made famous by Captain James Tiberius Kirk.  Whichever Orion slave girl made his uniforms had an ulterior motive because there is no reason for his uniforms to fall apart at the seams during every episode while everyone else’s stay intact.  Even while battling Spock in “Amok Time” Spock’s uniform manages to stay in one piece while Kirk’s is ripped to shreds.  I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that shirt shredding should be equal opportunity amongst all of the handsome men…

…and maybe some of the women.

 

 

insp_captkirk_preview