Underworld: Awakening Reviewed

These are some of my kick ass friends. No, you can't have them.

If there is one thing I love it’s badass chicks beating the crap out of people, or, in this case, people and Lycans. My friends told me to be honest (most of them thought it was the worst of the four Underworld movies) and it’s true that there was virtually no plot line in Underworld: Awakening but honestly, I didn’t really care.

Give me hot chicks in rubber (or leather, or latex, or whatever the hell that awesome shiny black material is that they squeeze her into) give them a few semiautomatic weapons, and I’m a happy camper.

I have no idea what this outfit is made of but I like it.

Plus, even though they thought it was the weakest link, we all agreed that it was super fun to watch. As per usual I spoil the shit out of things. So tread carefully if you don’t want to be, uh, spoiled.

I didn’t see Rise of the Lycans…which is really weird because I pretty much never miss a chance to watch vampires onscreen, but I was assured by my friend Hannah that this was ok since #3 was a prequel. Luckily, I HAVE seen Underworld and Evolution so I’m good with the whole Selene/Michael R&J-esque romance storyline.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUcrbUCWKQc]

Awakening starts off by describing The Purge, a time when the human race decides that genocide is a fantastic idea (cause it’s worked out so well in the past) and attempts to eradicate all non-human people…maybe I missed it but how did the humans find out about the Vamps and the Lycans? And how pitiful are 99.9% of these supernaturals?! They just sit around and let themselves be killed by humans instead of being all super human strengthy and opening up a can of woop ass on those soldiers like every other movie monster would have done. I mean come on guys, grow a pair for God’s sake.

Wow. Just...wow.

Kate Beckinsale is in fine form as Selene. I mean, really, I would kill for that girl’s legs. I just plain love watching girls kick ass but I know that some people get their panties all up in a bunch when they see scrawny little starlets in fight scenes. But she’s a vampire so even the naysayers must admit that she gets a pass. Personally, I think Miss Kate is one of the most gorgeous women on the planet. The girl’s got that icy cold vampire stare down pat and is the real reason to watch any of these films (Bill Nighy was previously a close second). She even gets naked! Well, I think she does…my friend Meghan thinks it was CGI’d and my friend Nick backed her up by pointing out that her skin looked a heck of a lot like Hermione’s did in Ron’s horcrux vision in HP7p1.

He obviously runs with Klingons

I don’t know what is keeping Scott Speedman so busy that he could only be in the movie for 2 minutes via old footage and body doubles. It certainly isn’t because of a Felicity reunion (which I would totally watch btw). So what gives Scott?? They are obviously hoping that he’ll return for #5 since the movie ends with them determined to find him. Michael’s absence opens up the door for “random vampire hottie with a crazy knife” David (Theo James from UK’s Bedlam). He’s really only there to fill the pretty boy void and to look wistfully at Selene who is totally hung up on the boyfriend she was with only YESTERDAY from her point of view. It will be interesting to see where that relationship goes in the next installment.

This time Selene’s got a daughter (India Eisley)…now, this is where they really lose me. I vaguely remember something about Viktor killing his daughter because she got knocked up by a Lycan (right?) and they don’t really explain how Eve (seriously, could they have given her a more cliché name?) came about so while watching the movie I just assumed that she was a test tube baby because the last time I checked vampire women couldn’t have babies (Edward and Bella don’t count, she’s human). I can see how a Lycan would have viable sperm but aren’t vampires supposed to be all, I dunno, undead and frozen in time and stuff? Wouldn’t all of her little eggies be undead too? And if she were pregnant during The Purge wouldn’t she have said something while she was talking about her and Michael escaping? Mentioning an unborn child that needs saving seems like it would have been pertinent information.

Anyhooters, so Eve’s a hybrid like her Daddy but thanks to Selene she’s a triple threat vamcanortal (I should really copyright that) and I have to admit, she looks freaking badass when she in fighting form. Like Abby from Let Me In but even better. BTW, have any of the movies explained why the Hybrids are blue? I kept thinking that Nightcrawler was going to show up at some point.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who sees the similarities here

Stephen Rea (I’m sorry, he’ll always be Santiago to me and I just can’t picture him as a werewolf) is the papa wolf Dr. Jacob Lane aka the bad guy. He’s the scientist everyone turns to during The Purge but his motivation behind finding a cure for vampirism and werewolfism is nefarious. His son Quint (Kris Holden-Ried from The Tudors) is the big bad wolf. A giant Jekyll & Hyde-type monstrosity who is immune to silver thanks to Daddy’s injections of Eau de Eve. Not gonna lie, he’s pretty awesome to look at in either form.

Oh! And check that out, I managed to squeeze in some of Selene's butt. You're welcome.

I totally thought that Detective Sebastian (Michael Ealy) was going to end up being a vampire since he could sense Selene and his eyes are blue. But alas, it turns out his wife was a vampire and he just has really cool eyes. Personally, I think it would have been way cooler to have had a vampire cop hiding in plain sight for the past 12 years but these movie producers don’t want to listen to me so meh.

Charles Dance (Game of Thrones) plays Thomas, David’s Dad and resident Vampire Elder post-Purge. He doesn’t like Selene, not one bit, and makes sure she knows it. That’s pretty much all he’s good for in this movie but I hope we see more of him in #5 cause I really like Charles Dance.

Do they make vampire viagra? Maybe then he'd like her more.

All in all the plot (what there was of one) had more holes than Swiss cheese but it had an insane amount of gratuitous violence and totally bad ass shots of Selene jumping, fighting, shooting, scowling, putting on a jacket, etc. etc. so it was worth the price of the movie ticket.

3 out of 5 Sci-Fives!

three out of five sci-fives