There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to decide whether or not he wants to sport some facial hair. Trends have come and gone but one style remains a classic.
Some men prefer a classic lady tickler, others are more creatively inclined. The 80’s sparked what I like to call the “pornstache.” Heck, all four of my male parental units have maintained a crumb catcher at some point.
10. Guy Fleegman – Galaxy Quest
We’ll start with the spoof, shall we? Poor Guy, he had a bit part in his favorite sci-fi show and therefore became convinced he was doomed to die a redshirts death after he follows the crew aboard the Thermian’s NSEA Protector in an attempt to defeat the evil alien warlord Sarris. Instead, he helps save the day and becomes Security Chief “Roc” Ingersoll. See what a mustache will do for you kids? It’s like MAGIC.
9. Zed – Zardoz
Sporting a red monokini and a fu manchu, Sean Connery tests the waters of science fiction with a confusing plotline and a trusty revolver. Supposedly Zed is the perfect man, the result of eugenics experiments (he could pass for Khan’s brother, yah?) created to save mankind. His inspiration? The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. No shit. Don’t get it yet? The God is named Zardoz as in WiZARD of OZ. Yup, pretty much. The best part about Zardoz is what he teaches: “The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was, but the gun shoots death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth . . . and kill!” Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.
8. Admiral Adama – Battlestar Galactica
Normally Bill would be higher up in the list of anything and everything but since he only rocked his mustache when Laura Roslin wasn’t there to see it (aka about 3 episodes), he’s back at #8. While his people were slowly migrating to New Caprica and his kid was busy getting fat in the face (but not really anywhere else which was really weird), Bill decided that the best way to alleviate his boredom would be to grow a mustache. If my mission in life were suddenly gone, I’d be tempted to grow one too. As soon as life got back to it’s scary, running from the toasters, normal self, the mustache came off and everyone (and I mean everyone) went back to the look they were sporting a year prior. I think it was their little way of saying “Fuck you New Caprica, we never liked you anyway.”
7. Lt. Hiram Coffey – The Abyss
Why do the movies always make Navy SEALS look like jackasses? I’ve known a few Navy SEALS in my life (including one that was smaller than me and, no joke, sported a mustache) and let me tell you, you have to be a smart and focused son of a bitch to make it in their ranks. Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now. Lt. Coffey is a Hollywood Navy SEAL trigger-happy jackass who dies trying to kill something (NTI’s) that he doesn’t understand with a warhead despite the fact that everyone around him is telling him to calm the fuck down. His one redeeming quality? A kick ass ‘stache.
6. Prince Barin – Flash Gordon & Neville Sinclair – The Rocketeer
Hot damn Timothy Dalton, you really love your fanny duster, don’t you? Timmy gets a double mention for these two beauties.
I’ll start with Flash Gordon. I’m not gonna lie, I heart me some Queen and they did most of the soundtrack for this 1980’s film starring former Marine and Playgirl centerfold Sam J. Jones as a football player who gets rocket propelled into space and has to deal with alien drama in order to save Earth. Like typical boys, Flash and Prince Barin have to fight each other before they realize that they can get more done if they team up. Boys are so dumb sometimes. They git-r-done and Timmy is made King. Yay!
In The Rocketeer Timmy switches sides and plays the bad guy. Neville Sinclair is a dashing actor who just happens to be a Nazi spy. Sporting a much more stylish mustache than his fuehrer, Neville meets his end after escaping a burning Zeppelin on a stolen rocket, and then crashing into the last four letters of the Hollywoodland sign (you always wondered what happened to those last four letters, didn’t you?) The source of his demise? Chewing gum, of course. Take THAT you Nazi bastard!
5. Wikus – District 9
With a name like Sharlto Copley, you don’t even need a mustache to be cool. But it can’t hurt. Poor Wikus van de Merwe. All he wants to do is impress his Father-in-Law. Instead he gets alien jib sprayed in his face and loses that glorious mustache as he slowly mutates into a prawn. At least he learns how to make flowers out of scrap metal. Always looking on the bright side Wikus, it’s what I like about you. That and your weird South African accent that isn’t quite British and isn’t quite Australian.
4. Wellington Yueh – Dune
Dean Stockwell is a personal favorite of mine having starred in Dune, Quantum Leap, and Battlestar Galactica. For Dune he whipped out his trusty magic marker and drew on a rockin’ mustache. Just for good measure, he threw in a spiffy red dot right smack in the middle of his forehead. Yueh is a Suk doctor who has been trained to obey some kind of crazy futuristic Hippocratic Oath. That is, until his wife gets kidnapped and he throws all of that right out the window, betraying and ultimately destroying his patron. He sort of redeems himself in the end but it’s too little too late.
3. Shepherd Book – Firefly
Some people have issues with Book’s hair while it’s in its natural, gloriously poufy state. However, I’ve yet to hear one complaint about his mustache. Why? Because it’s awesome and even River can’t deny that fact. I have no idea if the tea strainer is required by his religious order or not but I’m pretty sure it could help even the most hardened prostitute find religion. Don’t believe me? Watch “Heart of Gold” and ignore the fact that a madman with a battery-operated ray gun is coming after them. Told you so.
2. Lando Calrissian – Star Wars
Ok, so totally bizarro, but every time I think of Lando Calrissian I think of the song “Rico Suave.” Seriously. What. The. Fuck. I know it’s not rational and yet it happens every time. I think I need electroshock therapy or something. I’m just going to point to this definition of suave over at Urban Dictionary and be done with it. Anyhooters…back to Lando aka friend/traitor/friend to Han Solo. Don’t judge his actions until you’ve got Darth Vader all up in your shiznit. For all we know, Boba Fett threatened to shave off his epic mustache. That, my friends, would have been a tragic facial hair FAIL.
1. Montgomery Scott – Star Trek
Scotty may not have grown out his nose neighbor until later than life but he still gets the top spot on my list. Why, you ask? Because it’s my God damn list. And because, above all else, I heart Star Trek and because Jimmy Doohan was arguably the most talented actor in the entire cast. He was the source of many voices, many characterizations, and was even the original inventor of both the Vulcan and Klingon languages. He’s also the only person on this list whose ashes have been shot into space…actually I think he’s the only one who has died…but whatever, the point is, he has earned his spot at #1. And he rules.